The Montage Laguna Beach bills itself as “an idyllic backdrop for romance,” and their Art of Romance Package  promises everything from Ocean View accommodations and valet parking to rose petal baths, complimentary dinners and couples massages, all for the bargain price of $5,000 for two nights.  Sounded like a real stinker to us, but when we did the math, things weren’t as cut and dry as we had initially suspected.

The base rate for an “Ocean Surf View” suite at the Montage is $1,900 a night, so you’d spend $3,800 without the benefit of any romantic extras. The package includes a welcome amenity (this writer has yet to determine the meaning of that term), price unknown; valet parking during your stay, a $60 value; a couple’s massage, the price of which ranges from $440–$600; a rose petal bath drawn for the two of you, value unknown; daily breakfast in bed for two; and fine dining each night—once in your suite, and once at the Loft restaurant on the fourth floor. With a total price thus far of $4,380 (using the median massage price), the important question is this: How much can you spend on food?

Answer: a lot. For example, oatmeal ordered for breakfast from room service is $18, plus tax, 18% gratuity and a $3 delivery fee. If you and your lover want something more substantial—say two eggs and the marinated flank streak for $34—plus coffee and juice, your breakfast-in-bed cost could easily run you $100. The in-room dinner menu is impressive, but a bit pricey—with $40 entrees such as the 28-Day Dry-Aged Coffee-Crusted New York Strip or the Pan-Seared Local Halibut. A meal with an appetizer (about $20) and a bottle of wine ($35 - $896 … but $100 will get you a nice Napa Valley vintage) would cost around $250. Dinner at the Loft is comparable, with entrees like Roasted Atlantic Monkfish going for forty bones. If the Loft dinner costs you $250 as well, the total cost of your included meals would be $700, putting the total pay-for-everything-individually price at $5,080. And the package wins out…barely.

However, the Montage doesn’t mention if wine is included in your meals or not, or if there is any sort of cap on how much you can spend per meal. Also, the rose-petal bath and welcome amenity might be worth some money…or might not. So, after all this nickel-and-dime calculating, we can say conclusively that the Art of Romance package might save you some money, or might not.

If you’re spending $5,000 dollars for a two-night romantic getaway, chances are you’re not all that concerned about saving a few bucks, so this package may be worth the convenience, and the extra load off your mind might free up some room for romance. And after all, who knows what that welcome amenity might be?

In yet another move to prove that living “green” will cost you way more money than not doing so, the D.C. Fairmont has created the Eco Power package, billed as “the ultimate cosmopolitan experience for environmentally aware travelers.” This trendy and earth-conscious package will accept 999 of your United States dollars (before tax) in exchange for the opportunity to stay in the Lexus Hybrid Living Suite, a super-eco-friendly room designed using organic materials, recycled materials and materials made from rapidly-renewable resources. You’ll also get to use of a Lexus hybrid for tooling around, and enjoy a bottle of organic wine and local artisan cheeses on the house. If that doesn’t leave you feeling green, the Fairmont will also make a $100 donation to the National Geographic Society for every Eco Power package sold.

The meat (pardon, tofu) of the issue is this: you can get a “regular” room tomorrow at the Fairmont for $209 a night. This temporary domicile will still be luxurious, and although not furnished by eco-designer Kelly LaPlante, it appears that both types of rooms are powered using traditional power sources, and the furnishings used in the Lexus rooms are already doing as much good for the environment as they’re going to — whether you use them or not.

Realistically, the ultimate benefactor from this package arrangement is not our suffering Mother Earth, but the Fairmont Washington, D.C. It is commendable to buy and use recycled and sustainable materials, but the hotel has already bought its room furnishings and won’t necessarily make future purchases from sustainable vendors either way. The loaner car sounds nice, but according to the reviewers at Edmunds, the extra-heavy Lexus LS 600h L Hybrid only gets better gas mileage in the city (and actually gets worse mileage on the highway) than its non-hybrid counterparts. So, you’ll be burning just as much petroleum as the next guy, despite the word “hybrid” displayed boldly on your front doors. A regular Lexus LS 460 rental, with better overall gas mileage, could cost you as much as $450 in our nation’s capitol, but that still only puts the total price at $659 if you stay in the non-LaPlante room. The $100 donation to National Geographic is a conscience-friendly extra, but if you give the society money yourself, it’s tax deductible, you can designate what your donation goes toward and (best of all) you’ll end up with a subscription to the magazine.

So far, we’re talking about $759 in the regular room versus $999 in the “green” room (quotes intentional). We all know a bottle of organic wine and a hunk of artisan cheese shouldn’t cost $140, and besides, the package doesn’t really do anything stellar for the environment. Invest the extra money in some real earth-friendly ventures (solar power panels, a hybrid of your own, planting a row of trees) and show the Fairmont what real eco power is all about.

Some people don’t really understand the traditional view of “vacation.” Sand, waves and swim-up daiquiri bars just don’t ignite the souls of these individuals the way that mountains, snow and après-ski joints do. If you’re one of the free spirits that live for the winter, take heart—you’re not alone, and The Westin Riverfront Resort & Spa in Avon, Colorado, is already thinking of you with its Ski & Spa Girlfriend Getaway package.

Don’t let the name fool you, this deal is not just for the ladies—any couple in their right mind will go nuts over every aspect of this bundle. For $714 per person, the two-night package includes lodging for two in a traditional room, two 50-minute treatments at the Westin’s spa, one day of skiing at Beaver Creek for two, one day of performance ski (or snowboard, we assume) rentals for two from Beaver Creek Sports, a complimentary bottle of wine each night and complimentary valet parking, plus a welcome amenity.

The value of this package is questionable if you visit prior to peak season, but it is definitely a steal if you go when the powder is thick. The cheapest rooms at the Westin in mid-December go for $529/night, so you’re already looking at $1058 for your two-night stay. Lift tickets were $92/day at Beav last year, and although they’ll probably go up in price this coming season, let’s just tack on $184 to the total for two. A performance rental from BC Sports will cost about $54, or $108 for two, and hopefully the hotel is giving its guests at least a $20 bottle of wine each night—$40 more dollars. So far, that’s $1390, or $38 less than the package will cost for two people. Now, we couldn’t find out exactly what two 50-minute spa treatments would cost (since the Westin hasn’t actually opened yet), but let’s say you’d be luckier than a fat kid in a donut shop to get one of those treatments out here in winter for less than $125. Case closed—plan your stay at this brand-new mountain resort now and stop worrying that winter will never come.

If you need any other sort of motivation, did we mention that Beaver Creek’s Riverfront Express Gondola runs right by the Westin’s front door?

With gas prices skyrocketing and skylines growing smoggier, it seems everyone is trying to green things up. This includes the Boston Park Plaza Hotel and Towers, a sprawling property filled with crystal chandeliers, half a dozen restaurants and nearly 1,000 graciously appointed rooms. Although the hotel dates back to the 1920s, it has certainly kept up with the environmentally conscious times, installing a state-of-the-art energy-management system, twisting in compact-fluorescent light bulbs and instituting a paperless check-in/check-out policy.

The hotel has also created a special “Hybrid Package” for its guests, ostensibly to reward those who have swapped their SUVs for fuel-efficient sets of wheels. The package’s contaminant is that it doesn’t help eco-friendly guests at all; in fact, it penalizes them for going green.

With the Hybrid Package, a standard, 300-square-foot room is $259 a night, and valet parking (normally $40) is free. But book the same room online, and it’s $199—or $60 less. So, even if you fork over $40 so a man in a white coat can park your car, you’ll still be ahead $20. And get this—if you upgrade to a deluxe, 375-square-foot room, it’s $219 a night. Add in $40 for parking, and you’re exactly where you would be with the Hybrid Package, only with a nicer room.

As Kermit the Frog wisely said, it isn’t easy being green…and this package doesn’t make it any easier. Do your part and drive your hybrid, but toss this package into the recycling bin.